Dear Crazy Costco Bitch,

I know it’s sometimes frustrating to go to Costco and discover that there are other people there who want to buy things at the same time that you want to buy things. That’s why I usually go midweek, sometime in the afternoon after school has let out yet before people get off of work. I’m usually delighted by the short lines at those times. And today was no different.

Apparently you held a different opinion. You’d filled your cart to the brim with delicious, supersized goods. It must have weighed at least 200 lbs. Yet your steel cornucopia’s challenging density didn’t deter you from flitting from line to line, certain that you could outwit the time/space continuum. It seems that at some point you settled on my line and, shoving your cart in front of a woman who was clearly already behind me, you declared, “I’m behind her!”

Had I been the victim of your cart-bullying, I would have spoken up. But, perhaps seeing abdication as being the better part of valor, my former linemate chose to let you have your way and moved to another line. So there we were, waiting for the person ahead of us (yes, just one customer) to finish his transaction. But things weren’t moving fast enough for you. No, you just had to share your management and logistics expertise by bellowing, “Too much talking! Not enough working!” and “Come on! I want to get out of here!”

To accommodate you, two Costco employees proceeded to open up the closed register next to us. At which point you moved your cart over and began to place items on the conveyor belt. But things still weren’t moving fast enough for you. When you were told it would take a minute or two to set things up, you escalated your fit, throwing items across the aisle onto the empty conveyor belt behind my items. Again, you made your wishes clear. “I want to get out of here!”

Lady, we wanted you to get out of there too.

A few moments passed, during which I began my transaction, eager to get away from you as quickly as possible. But then you decided to talk to me. Fortunately, you didn’t screech at me. Instead, the true depths of your madness emerged. In a scene right out of Sybil, Tantrum Woman was gone and instead I had a new best girlfriend! “Hey,” you fairly moaned, “Those strawberries look awesome.”

Let’s get something straight here. I am not your friend. And, setting aside for the moment that I loathe anyone over the age of 16 who uses the word “awesome” without irony, I am in fact mad at you for several reasons. First, you have just made every middle aged, middle class white woman in the world look like a clueless, entitled, whiny, hateful prima donna. Thanks a lot. Second, and more important, you’ve just spent five minutes verbally abusing people who are trying to help you and who are still being nice to you. That’s why I turned around and said, “You see these people here? They are human beings. Why don’t you try treating them as such?”

Okay, I didn’t really do that. I was just having one of my Walter Mitty moments and couldn’t actually bring myself to confront an odious dragon lady such as yourself. Maybe one day I’ll have the balls to do such a thing. I like to hope so.

Instead, I asked the cashier if she had to take happy pills to do this job. Then I told her about the one stint I had in a job “serving the public” and how I lasted all of a month in it. Do you know why I was talking to her? Just to piss you off!

Maybe you saw us laughing. Did you wonder what we were laughing about? We were laughing at you!

I know it’s hard to change. You probably won’t. That’s why one day I hope you have to work a retail job, or some other job dealing with the public, so you can spend your days navigating an endless series of abusive, five minute long relationships with people just like you.

Sincerely,

Races Like a Girl

P.S. Are you the same crazy bitch who nearly ran me over on Pipeline Road this morning when I was out for my run?

14 Responses

  1. Awesome post. (Yes, that was supposed to be ironic…)

    As someone who worked in retail for almost five years, I’ve seen more than my fair share of these crazy types. Where do they come from? Can you imagine actually acting like that in public? I would be so embarassed.

  2. Memo to self: Never use “awesome” in a comment here.

    Perhaps you can use this memory as an adrenaline generator for the next speed workout. Oh wait, you’re tapering. Never mind.

  3. Perhaps she was hungry. I get a little wacko when my blood sugar drops. Except I’m aware of it and start saying to people, “I really need to eat something or else I am going to freak out.”

    But most likely, she behaves like that all the time, wherever she is even when she’s “happy.”

  4. TK, I do the same blood sugar freak out thing. Recently declared to friend, “Don’t ask me what I want to eat, just pick something. I’m hungry and therefore belligerent.”

    RLAG, wow. Kill kill kill. I work in retail, and those people are hell.

  5. I become semi-crazed when hungry too. But I don’t become a flaming asshat. The solution for people like us is easy: buy something that you can open and eat while waiting in line (like a box of powerbars). Then just tell the nice cashier that you have no self control, and that’s why it’s open.

  6. I think this may well be your most entertaining post yet! I love Costco stories. Here’s mine.

    I was in the food court line because I was desperate for their unhealthy yet delicious frozen “yogurt.” The line was long, and a young, maybe 15 year old, girl walked up to me and said, “If I give you some money, will you get a pretzel for me? I don’t want to wait in this long line!” Ordinarily I avoid confrontation at all costs, but not this time. I said, “If I did that, how fair would that be to all the people behind me?” She just shrugged and walked away, but a Hell’s Angel type behind me put his arm around my shoulder and said , “Amen, sister!”

  7. I love this post.

  8. I just read this post while standing in line myself. So I punched the guy next to me in a show of solidarity with you.

  9. I have a Costco story. It was the one in Salem OR – we were first-time visitors and amazed at the size of everything (like everything in America), so took out the camera to get a couple of holiday snaps. Next thing we were ‘arrested’ by security and interrogated about our spying! And this was before the days of Homeland Security.

  10. Wow! I’m am always amazed that people have the audacity to act like this in public. She either needs to be on drugs or locked up, she should not be allowed loose in the world. I am absolutely horrible at quick comebacks, I most likely would have done the same thing that you did when you turned to the cashier once that loon tried talking to you.

    Aren’t blogs great for getting this stuff out of our heads?

  11. I read once that 1 in 4 people is actually a sociopath, or has sociopathic tendencies. In other words, 25% of those who walk among us could not care less about the needs, wants, desires, or feelings of the other 75%. I believe you’ve encountered one of this terrible quartile who walk among us. (Frankly, for a typical Costco visit, encountering only one sociopath should be considered a good day.)

    And for the record, I’ve been trying to banish the non-ironic use of the word “awesome” from my vocabulary, but believe I deserve a dispensation since I grew up in the San Fernando Valley.

  12. Great story! Sometimes I wonder if the savings at Costco are worth the membership fee, poor parking, long lines, and psycho customers you describe. In addition, Costco’s “value” to those of us who live in the Maryland suburbs of DC are diluted: the county does not permit Costco to sell gas or alcohol!

  13. It is quite possible that this lady will be working at a CostCo in hell. What comes around goes around!

  14. I think awesome is an awesome word! And I think the sociopath numbers are reversed. I don’t think that most of the people on the planet or at least on our side of the planet, have any idea that the world is not spinning specifically for them. In general people suck.

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